seriously

Fuck you. I'm done trying to be your friend & fix things. Have a nice life.

Penny.

Today is one of those days where I wonder why it wasn't me. I think it a lotta days, but today... God, why the fuck did you take Ben & not me? A silly little letter came for Ben today and I just can't stomach that he's not here. I don't like reality.

I wonder what my life would be like today if he was still here. I know he's with me everyday, but if he were to still be here. I feel tingly chills up & down my spine and take that as a sign that he's layin' here next to me. My mom & I have this penny thing... We find pennies in non-sensical places & take that as a marker that Ben is here. There was a single stray penny in the tent this morning.. 

Hey, Ben. Glad you made it to the camp-out. I miss you more than I could ever describe. I'm tryna make you proud. As much as it hurts & as much I just want to crash my car and come to you, I'll keep goin'. I just hope my fire with ignite soon... set my soul ablaze so I can live as whole-heartedly as you did.

feel the love

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together, but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there."

a kiss is a promise

I was a late bloomer in the kissing-field, but since that awkward first, I've thoroughly enjoyed those moments. Kisses are so sweet. As are hugs. But I'll hug anyone. Kisses are reserved for very special someones.

so here's my bucket list of places to get kissed before I die:

on top of a mountain (no mt. everest, of course. possibly after a ski-left has taken us to the top)

in the rain

in the snow

in a fancy restaurant

at midnight on new year's ever

at my wedding

in a foreign country

while in the ocean

in Times Square

on a camping trip

on a picnic

under mistletoe

in a black & white photo

while cooking dinner

by the christmas tree

in front of a fire place (with a fire burning)

on a ski lift

to shut me up mid-ramble

in a museum

while on a boat

while in an airplane

in two (three, four) places at once 

in las vegas

on the beach

in Fiji

on  a playground

things that make me smile

painted nails

unbeatable joy

scrubs, the show

the feeling of accomplishment on a great project

my dad

kisses

when Hope peeks her face through the curtains

great bargains

color coordination

using big words

surprises

sunflowers

sending mail

art supplies

hot chocolate in a big mug. with whipped cream.

chocolate covered pretzel ice cream (and cookies 'n cream. fudge tracks.. ice cream in general)

cleaning house

running three miles

cheesy romantic stories

sleeping in

falling for someone

singing

rcokin' out to hiphop songs

workout videos

sewing

& being creative

reuniting with friends

being in love with my best friend

playing scrabble with my parents

pillows

making hard-earned money

brightly colored accessories 

discoveries

watching "the oc" reruns on soapnet

snow days